Driving Tips – An Open Letter To Motorists Everywhere
Dear astute driver,
Thank you for entering my personal driving bubble, also known as my PDB. While uninvited, you are still my guest and I only feel it proper to offer you a cold beverage (non-alcoholic of course), and explain to you the “house rules” as it were.
Driving Tips #1 – Tailgate Me!
Every morning I utter a prayer as I enter my car:
“Please grant that some
village idiotroad genius tailgates me today so I can brake check them and out of our new found “connected” friendship, their insurance company will buy me a new car.”
How does this connection happen? By entering my PDB of course! You’re already on step one!
Above 30 MPH, py PDB extends two feet to either side of my car, and another 10-20ft behind and in front of it. Your job, oh studious driver, is to stay within it at all costs. Stay close to me now! I am your new driving buddy. We’re DFF’s, or Driving Friends Forever. Where I go, you go. I’m a jealous driver and don’t want you leaving my bubble to go tailgate other drivers or pass me. Just stay right behind me. I prefer you keep yourself so that I can’t see your headlights in my rear view mirror. That’s the sweet spot. By driving 3ft off my bumper, I’m not blinded by your lights, and I can see your face clear as day.
Please, be my Tailgate friend. I could use a newer car.
Driving Tips #2 – Don’t Use Turn Signals
That lever on the left hand side of your steering wheel is useless. Don’t bother with it. Like your headlights, this lever turns on some very annoying orange lights to the front and orange or red lights to the back that blink incessantly. Nobody needs all that distraction. Life is too short, change lanes whenever you want, don’t give notice, nobody is paying attention anyway.
Driving Tips #3 – Speed with Reckless Abandon
I have to let you in on a little secret, dear buddy of mine. Those white signs with numbers that say “Speed Limit” – they’re for everybody but you! The world of motoring is your oyster, so put the pedal to the metal and zoom hither and yon around us “normal” people. Your driving prowess is the envy of every other individual on the road with you.
Driving Tips #4 – Crank up the Music
The first rule of listening to music is that unless you can feel it, you’re not truly listening. Roll down your windows and crank that baby up to ELEVEN! You will be the life of the road as we hear your stereo struggle to keep up with your musical demands. Distorted audio and overpowering bass are your tools as you show everyone that you’ve completely lost your hearing got excellent tastes. To top it off, you know that the only way to be the golden boy or girl of the road is to install sub woofers that vibrate the crap out of your car. We love hearing every last bolt as it shakes, rattles and rolls along to your sick beats.
Closing Remarks
Our time together is coming to a quick end. I’m about to turn into the driveway of my parent’s home for Sunday dinner. While we’re DFFs, I just don’t think mom prepared enough food this week to have you join us. But, if you hit my car, we can exchange information and I’ll happily see you at a court hearing in four to six weeks.
It really has been a pleasure sharing the same space and worrying for my life for the last 10min.
See you soon?
Christopher
